Empowered To Live Naturally

I’m in a huge season of transition. It’s been long and hard and I’m not even sure exactly when it began but I know it’s coming to a close and I’m excited about what God’s doing in my life as I move in sync with Him. So many tests, trials and even temptations have come my way but I’m determined to remain focused. I’m going to see the other side of this transition!

I don’t like when things become routine. That’s boring for me when things are very predictable. I like some spice added in, some change and I’m ready for change. In my mind, I’m so far into my future, I don’t even feel comfortable where I am today. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m content and get plenty of sleep. I’m not worried or fretting, just excited about my future and ready for the change I know is coming.

In the meantime, I’ve been making myself uncomfortable time and time again on purpose and that’s been fun. I’m studying midwifery even though it was the farthest thing from my mind and so NOT a goal or dream I had. I know now that I most likely will NOT even become a midwife. It’s still not something I’m interested in really. I just need this education. I love how all that I’ve done in my life matters. When I officially stopped working and came home to unschool my daughter, I thought I’d wasted time and money on my college degree but I see more and more how each and every thing I do matters and nothing is for naught.

In addition to my studies which went from uncomfortable to fun, I finally did a website for my herbal products. I’d been hounded by many about doing a website. People who’ve been buying products over the last year complained about not having a site to tell others about who were interested in my products. For some reason, I was actually anxious about publishing the site. My husband hit the publish button when I’d ran out of excuses as to why I needed to wait one more day. I’m slowly adding everything we make onto the site and it’s been fun. Check out my website here I also have a facebook page where I put up pictures and videos highlighting various products, and keep people updated on newer products.

Another opportunity that took me by surprise was being asked to speak at a women’s conference that’s affiliated with my aunt’s church. Now, my degree *is* in speech communication but seriously, I’m not a minister. I do know the Word and my relationship with God is the most important relationship to me. The women’s group is called DIVA’S- Divinely Inspired Victorious Anointed Sisters. I spoke on Sisters and talked about walking in love with everyone. Although 2 days before the conference, I was ready to be sick as I realized the enormity of what I was asked to do- again, I’m not a minister- I did great! It felt so right and comfortable when I got up to speak. I hope I have the opportunity to speak again, I enjoyed it so much! Afterwards, a woman walked up to me and asked me what I do. She said she felt in her spirit that I was a jack of all trades and master of the all. I laughed and rattled off unschooling mom, doula, placenta encapsulation specialist, I make herbal products and study midwifery and wrote a book and I sing (which I also did at the conference). I cringe when people ask me what I do because I usually forget something since it’s not the normal one thing kind of response that most give.

Ahh, and the doula thing… Yeah, that’s about to be taken off my list of what I do. I am doing my last birth as a doula in October and while I’d like to say it’s bittersweet, I’m not sure that’s very accurate. I’m not leaving the birth world. I just can’t take the trauma I see any longer. Learning about the ancient practice of midwifery- not this medical midwifery that’s done today- it’s hard to know what I know and walk into a birth, smile and pretend like all is well and ok when I know differently. I just can’t keep doing that. There have been some births where *I* was the one leaving traumatized. There were others where I left traumatized but the family seemed fine with what went on, then weeks later they’d contact me to tell me that they’d processed their birth and was not pleased with the care they received from providers they had faith in.

I want to work with families more on the front end, before and in early pregnancy. You can’t help people become educated very well at the end of pregnancy or worst yet, during labor. It just doesn’t work. So, I’ve taken my doula page off facebook and I’m in the process of making changes to my doula website as well. Very appropriately, my last birth as a doula in NJ is with the very first woman I served in NJ. I love her dearly and am excited that she’s giving birth at home this time. I can’t wait for her birth!

So that’s some of what’s going on with me these days. I’ll let you know when that big change occurs.

I’ve been comfortable being me since I was very young. Never cared about being in with the “in” crowd and surprisingly (or maybe not) I was always pretty popular anyway.

Joseph Prince says people tend to judge others based on their actions but judge themselves based on their intentions, smh. We’ve got to do better at taking responsibility for our own actions and the part *we* play in our lives. That’s a hot mess!

There are people who are never wrong or at fault. Or when they are in fault, it’s only partially their fault, somehow, they’re still “the victim” in the situation.

Birth- seeing what I see as a doula and trying to process it.
People who say they want x kind of birth and then walk out of their home and get what they get.

People who keep themselves in bondage and look to others to pull them out. Then when they get some help, it’s temporary because they put themselves right back into that bondage again because they’ve not changed their way of thinking.

I experienced birth trauma as a birthing mother with my firstborn. After that experience I vowed it wouldn’t happen again and from then on, my babies were born outside the hospital.

I never imagined I’d still experience birth trauma via some of my clients’ births but unfortunately, it’s happened more than a few times.

Of course the birth belongs to the family involved and is their responsibility (whether they want that responsibility or not which is a whole other story) but when someone hires me as their doula and then they go on to experience some of the craziness that often accompanies obstetrics, I often wonder where I went wrong.
My business is called Empowered to Birth Naturally for a reason. My goal is and has always been to assist the woman who is after a normal/natural (unmedicated) birthing experience. This is the very woman the system is set up against and she’s the one I love to support.
I know some doulas scoff at that idea saying every woman who wants a doula should have one and deserves the support of a doula. Quite honestly I hold the same beliefs but I know I’m not the doula for every woman and I’m completely ok with that. If a woman knows right off that she wants drugs, that’s ok, it’s her birth, but I’m not the doula she should consider. I know where I serve best and I’m ok with staying in my “lane”.

Every once and a while we have the distinct pleasure to meet people who are willing to fight for themselves. One of my favorite births was with a young woman who knew that God created her body perfectly and she trusted this fact so much that what could have been a disastrous hospital birth (which started out as a planned HOMEbirth) was made (by her trust in God and the birthing process) a beautiful unassisted homebirth with no perinial tearing at all. AND this was her FIRST baby!

Like any mom, I love my babies so very much. They bring such joy and fun to my life that I have no clue what I’d be doing or who I’d be at this point if I’d never had them.
As a radical unschooler taking a very different path in life, I know all too well how my decisions have and can make others lash out in judgement and/or anger. It’s as if others who go about things traditionally or conventionally, can brag and have bumper stickers that say how proud they are of their honor roll student but if I mention what my unschooled girls are accomplishing, I’m bragging and it’s somehow in bad taste. I’m sure I’ll get many a disapproving snort when I put my bumper sticker on my new truck. It says, “My unschooled child will hire your honor roll student”.

Labels and credentials. I think they’re dumb. Really who cares? I always take notice in the obvious astonishment and change in attitude and behavior towards me when people find out something about me that they weren’t aware of or hear me sing. Sometimes it feels like they see me as some insignificant nothing until blah, blah about me is revealed. It doesn’t matter though. I know very well who I am, Whose I am and no man can define me as I’ve already been defined and have fully accepted the definition of the One who created me.

This was originally written when my oldest was 6 years old, my middle girl was 19 months and my 3rd girl was but a dream.

I remember unschooling my oldest daughter Jaiela before I even knew what unschooling was. It was just a natural thing for us – like breathing. I was in college in Florida when she was born and was very active in both the drama club and opera ensemble. It was nothing to come to rehearsal and see me on stage leaking through my nursing pads because of the crying baby in the wings, or with a script in one hand and my nursing baby in the other. As she grew we enjoyed laughing, reading, singing, acting, dancing, cooking, baking, operas (both adult and children’s), library storytime, frequent trips to the beach, and so much more. I soon began to dread the day we’d have to stop and send her off to school.

One day at some sort of expo, Jaiela, then two, began to talk with a little boy of about eight. After his mother had watched them for some time, she came to me and said “You homeschool, don’t you?” I had no idea what she was talking about and asked her, and to my delight, she was a homeschooling mom. We exchanged information, and I immediately left the expo and searched out every book I could find on homeschooling. I was so excited; I didn’t have to send my daughter off to school after all.

To my dismay, I did have to place my daughter in daycare off and on until she was four years old. While there, we experienced a myriad of problems. She was two at the time, and as a result of a helpful set of three-year-old twins, she quickly moved from being in training for the potty to being fully potty-trained. So, she was moved from the two-year-old class – and away from her new best friend – to the class of three-year-olds whose room was conveniently located next to the bathroom. In a matter of months, she was moved from the three-year-old class to the four-year-old class because she knew the material being taught. At that point, things began to get strange; all the children treated her as if she were a baby, and my once self-stated “big girl” began to act like a baby, something that was completely out of character. I was able to take her out in the middle of this confusion and have her home again.
Some months later, we moved to Washington, D.C., and again I had to place her in a school. I felt absolutely terrible every morning during the year that she was enrolled; however, I was able to get a real glimpse of what “school life” would be like as a parent. One thing that had me particularly horrified was the field trips. Whenever there was a field trip, I managed to take off from my job or go in late so that I could accompany the class. While on various trips, I learned how little the teachers minded the children in their care. I remember that during an outing to the zoo, a teacher had to keep up with four children, but one boy often let go of another boy’s hand, and the teacher never noticed. At one point, I witnessed a family that was not part of the group bringing the boy back to the teacher. Later, the teacher looked back, and the little boy was holding the hand of a complete stranger, walking merrily along. I also remember bringing my daughter to school one morning to find a teacher screaming a child’s name; she’d lost the child! When she saw me, she asked if I’d seen him, and my first thought was to run out of that building with my child as quickly as I could. At that point, my husband and I began searching for a date that I could take her out, quit my job, and come home for good.

As if that weren’t enough, other problems soon arose. Jaiela would often complain about not being able to do the things she wanted to do at the times she wanted to do them. She loved math and hated when “math time” was over, and she was forced to move on to the next subject. She began to beg me to take her out. It was absolute agony. To make matters worse, I received a progress report that seemed to describe a totally different child. It was very apparent that her teacher knew nothing of her capabilities. She stated that Jaiela could not do things that we did together all the time. I became desperate, and knowing I couldn’t quit, I asked my boss if I could change my schedule to four ten-hour days a week, Sunday through Wednesday. He immediately replied no, stating that it just wasn’t done and he could get in trouble. However, with my persistence and ingenuity, I was working my Sunday through Wednesday schedule in two weeks. I was much happier knowing that Jaiela would only have to go to school three days a week, but my husband and I still discussed taking her out, altogether. Eventually, we settled on September of 2002, and that was the last Jaiela saw of school. The first week in October I quit my job, and we’ve never looked back.

During the first year, we deschooled ourselves and just lived. The next year, though, I became nervous, bought a packaged curriculum, and bored Jaiela witless. Luckily, I quickly came to my senses and sold most of it. When I saw that she learned better without it I figured hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. We’ve been happily unschooling ever since.

My girls, husband and I collectively decided in December to cut out activities that involved a major commitment and focus on God and each other- that meant dance class for the girls and less births for me.

In March, the girls and I took a vacation from around March 1st or 2nd to around March 22nd or 23rd. The plan was to go to DC, GA and FL and then back up to DC and then home to NJ. I drove the entire way and we had some car trouble in SC that turned out to be a fun detour.

People laughed at my plan of driving all that way initially because anyone who knows me knows I can drive a good hour and get tired. Also, it was apparently quite ambitious of me to drive all that way with 3 children. (???) Makes me wonder what other people’s children are like, lol! I get the sleepy driver part but the girls are mine so that was never a consideration or possible problem. Now if you chose 3 random children that weren’t mine and wanted me to do such a road trip I’d say no but I know my girls.

Armed with cd’s of my favorite ministries and coffee, and my girls to converse with (when they’d stay awake long enough), we had quite a lovely time. I’d do it all again next week if I could. Some of my girls favorite moments during our vacation included getting the cake for my birthday party (from a friend who makes cakes professionally in the DC area) and having her dog jumping on us, having car trouble and getting stuck in SC where we had to stay in a hotel and ended up jumping from bed to bed-yes I did it too.

They loved going to our friends basketball games in GA and in Orlando we went to Universal but they enjoyed The Holy Land Experience most- even the baby. In Daytona we stayed right on the beach but they never wanted to go to the beach. Their favorite spot? Ellis Island- where the library is located and a few small bodies of water where the fish jump out of the water and the clams, oysters (or whatever they are) occasionally spit. They loved going to all the places my husband and I used to frequent with our then 2 year old when we lived in Daytona.

This time off has been absolutely incredible for us as we’ve grown closer and learned more than ever.

Walking to the library the other day, my oldest stopped and picked up a flower from a tree. She explained that it was a dogwood tree and told me about the legend of it in relation to our faith. I was pleasantly surprised and wondered when and where in the heck she learned that.

Curious about what they’d come up with, I asked them to share some of their favorite memories from their childhood so far. Some of their favorite memories include things like, our road trip to FL, their private sisterly moments of pretending they have the clapper (you know, “Clap on, clap off, the clapper”), playing in the rain, killing slugs with salt and watching them shrivel up (Murderers!!! Oh God I’ve failed, lol!) and then they all agreed that the whole of their childhood has been filled with great memories. That totally warms my heart. This is how I want them to grow.

It’s easier to start with why I don’t want to be a midwife and it angers me deeply. I don’t mind serving women and babies at all- in fact I love that part- no, it’s licensure that annoys me. All the legal crap.
I don’t fancy being told what to do and how to do it and who I can and can’t serve. Here in NJ for instance, I would not be able to (legally) help any of my friends who’d want an HBAC (home birth after cesarean) and that’s just stupid. I find that all the legalities get in the way of true “With Woman” care. What about that woman and her baby? Aren’t Motherbaby supposed to be the main focus? Does she not deserve to have a homebirth if she wants one? Why does she have to struggle to find someone to support her in having a chance at a wonderful, hands off birth? What if she’s not ok going unassisted? Where are her options? It’s ridiculous!!

When the midwifery calling first began for me that’s what came to mind, actually it was my dear cousin who has had cesareans. I could just see her face and although we don’t live in the same state, and I’m not a midwife, I still envisioned turning her away and that infuriates me.

Even with all that anger, I think of the women and babies that I could help have better experiences. I think of various clients and how this past year, there were times I wanted to scream and take them out of the hospital. Some things that were happening seemed so obviously wrong to me- cruel even, but as a doula I’m to be seen and not heard. It’s not my birth after all. Which is bull when I’m supposed to be an advocate!

There are so many things happening that are just sooooo wrong but these things go unnoticed and are even expected and celebrated at births. Meanwhile, I want to throw up.
This past year, I’ve been to births where the provider and nurse are conversing about a common friend they have, baseball and their children as my client is pushing out her firstborn. Um, really?!? This is their sacred moment- the birth of their sweet baby and you can’t just shut up and observe?!? Really?!?

I keep seeing the following scenario and it’s driving me nuts!!! The woman pushes out the babies head only to have the baby pulled out (by the head) the rest of the way. What the franks and beans is that about?!?

Then this baby is rubbed vigoriously like a ragdoll by a nurse (as if she’s always held a deep hatred for this child or children in general), the baby starts wailing, and then to add insult to injury she gags the baby with the bulb syringe and the baby is struggling to breathe through it all. What must that baby be thinking? Meanwhile everyone cheers and mumbles some crap about good lungs. WHAT?!?! You take this out of context and some folk would be facing off for an epic battle. Why is this ok at birth?! Surely it’s not necessary. Even when the bulb syringe is needed or the baby needs to be coaxed to breathe what I keep seeing is a gross exaggeration of what is actually needed. And don’t even get me started on the baby getting the first bath. UGH!!

These babies are people who deserve the utmost respect and care yet they are treated as rag dolls as their parents watch with delight. If it weren’t happening in the hospital and with the people it’s happening with, it wouldn’t be accepted. What’s wrong with society that they allow their babies to be abused right from the womb? How is it that the baby can be handled so callously and then when the parents take the baby they hold him/her as if she’s fine china but what just happened to this sweet new person a moment ago is ok?

I am seeing things in such a different light it’s disturbing and I’m not the only one. I just showed my 12 year old daughter a picture of a brand new baby in the little box (that’s what I call it) and asked her what she thought and she replied, “That looks horrible!” She wasn’t referring to the baby- well yes she was in a sense. The baby is in a box, not with mom. The baby’s eyes are glistening and shut and judging by the open mouth, tongue, positioning of the baby’s arms and legs- this baby is distressed possibly cold and wailing. There’s a blue gloved arm in the picture that resembles that of a monster coming for the baby. Looks like a horror flick for babies but again this is accepted as normal. It’s NOT normal. Babies don’t have to cry at all let alone cry like that after they are born. Any other time the baby cries, we know and accept that it’s because something is wrong! Why is it ok fresh from the womb?!

So I’m starting my education this year. I don’t know what I’ll do with it just yet but I have to start or I’ll go nuts. Really, it seems that being a doula, walking into the hospital with my clients and a midwifery education will only make things worse because then I’ll truly know better but I suppose I must start somewhere. Maybe I’ll become a midwife… Maybe.

Some Potential RISKS of Epidural Anesthesia
• Inadequate pain relief (up to 10%)
• Slower labor
• Increases the chance of need for more frequent vaginal exams (which increases chance of infection), bladder catheter, pitocin, forceps, vacuum extraction, cesarean section
• Abnormal fetal heart rate pattern
• Rise in mother’s temperature simulates infection, leading to unnecessary treatment
• Drop in mother’s blood pressure
• Short or long term backache (up to 19%)
• Accidental spinal block, spinal headache
• Shivering, itching
• Feelings of detachment from labor
• Short term neurobiological effects on baby affecting irritability, consolability, suckling, and responsiveness
• Rare complications effecting breathing, swallowing,
• Rare long term numbness or weakness from nerve injury
• Extremely rare brain damage or death
BUT
if it doesn’t do any of the things mentioned above, it has the possibility of making you not feel pain during labor.

I’m often asked to explain unschooling. Before I explain, I gauge the person’s intent and that determines how much I’ll explain. I can tell if someone is asking so they can attempt to go on blast in which case, they’ll find out I have quite a bit of arsenal of my own. So, with my more schooly friends and/or family in mind, also, just for the sake of keeping records, I’ve decided to include a few of the moments we’ve had that I can only attribute to our unschooling lifestyle.

When Jaiela was just past one year old, she showed me that babies really do pay close attention and learn things before they are able to speak. I used to read to her a lot. I didn’t necessarily have in my mind that I was “teaching” her per se, I was simply enjoying her. I love reading and I wanted to share that with her so we’d often times come home from the library with 30 books and tapes and we’d read and watch every single one! I often miss those early days, living in Daytona. I have such fond memories from that time in our lives. We had such a great relationship with the librarians there that I was allowed to check out reference books because they knew I’d be back.
Back to one year old Jaiela… She was just starting to really talk and one day as I bathed her she said, “Mommy, look!” (while pointing at the knobs in the tub) “H, C!” She was pointing out the letters as she recognized them on the hot and cold knobs! I (foolishly) got freaked out and left her in the bathroom momentarily, lol! After that, we devoured every alphabet and number book we could find and by the time she was 2, she knew them all. Because my husband and I were in college, we put her in daycare when we were in class at the same time. This daycare was a teaching daycare. At first, they moved her up to the 3 year old classes because at 2 she was fully potty trained and the bathroom was close to the 3 year olds class but very soon after, they moved her to the 4 year old class because she already knew the material they taught the 3 year olds. Her teacher told me how shocked she was when she realized Jaiela not only knew her birthday, but she could identify all the alphabet as well. She said Jaiela kept telling her that her birthday was May 25th all day and she eventually sent her assistant to look it up. She assumed the 2 year old was just yapping. Then as she began a lesson on the alphabet and asked the children if they could guess what letter she pointed to, Jaiela was the one who answered and it turned into her randomly pointing to letters with Jaiela answering each one. So here I had a 2 year old in a class with 4 year olds. It was a disaster, lol! She did well with the material but being “the baby” made everything very weird.

At 3 years old, Jenai and I sat on my bed watching tv. A Huntington commercial came on. I wasn’t aware that my 3 year old was completely engrossed in their talk of tutoring your child in math or reading and improving their grades by one letter in the end. As the commercial ended, Jenai declared, “Mommy, you need to call them!” I looked at her horrified and replied, “Why?” She looked at me equally horrified and said, “I can’t read!” Of course I burst out laughing, reminding her that she was 3 and it was ok that she couldn’t read. I was wrong. She was horrified. It was not acceptable that she couldn’t read so I asked her if she wanted to learn to read. Of course she said yes and after about one hour of explaining how letters form words and going through each of the alphabet and the sounds each makes, the girl was reading and hasn’t stopped since. Surprisingly, I don’t remember Jaiela really reading until she was about 6 or 7. It could be that she read to herself more, whereas, Jenai reads aloud quite often as she loves to read to others. Jaiela wasn’t like Jenai at all. In fact I thought Jaiela didn’t care for reading but again, I was wrong, very, very wrong! Like me, these girls are book fanatics. Even my 3 year old loves to “read”. I am enjoying watching her and wonder when she’ll decide she needs to read (for real).

The same year Jenai began reading (at 3), she blew us away with math. My children have no set bedtime and I’m often heard telling them, “No more reading, no more math! Let’s go to bed!” This night was no different. Around midnight 3 year old Jenai plops on my bed with a book asking me to read it with her. I said no and that we’d read it tomorrow. She begged and opened the book and asked, “What does this mean- 2 plus one?” I told her that wasn’t even a reading book. It was an old math workbook of Jaiela’s. She insisted that she needed to know right then what “plus” meant. I didn’t even know she knew that + sign meant plus.

I proceeded to explain addition (to her delight) and then asked her if she could perhaps tell me what one plus one equaled. She quickly replied 2. I went on with 2 + 1 and 3+ 1 and she rattled off the answers as if she’d taken a class. My husband was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and he overheard us and peeked his head in and said, “3 + 4″, Jenai smiled shyly and replied, “It seems like 7.” The next day, we bought her an abacus, lol!

Their non- academic triumphs mean as much to me if not more and quite honestly, I’m at the point where I find any and everything to be of importance thus educational.

Jaiela asked me if she could take my camera to dance for several weeks and I agreed. When she was done, she’d produced a video with the pictures she’d taken. Her video included music and many different features that I wouldn’t have thought to assign her to complete.

I’m amazed by their tenacity. They aren’t afraid of a challenge. Most times, they welcome a challenge. Jaiela is in Jr company at her dance school and she was invited to take a few classes with the seniors. Her friends declined such an invitation because they are not on the same level as the seniors. Jaiela, however, was excited to be invited and went and had a ball. She wasn’t at all daunted by the girls who could lift their legs up to their faces and kiss their calves if they so desired. She loved it!

I was equally amazed when at 4 Jaiela could do more chin lifts than anyone in her gymnastics class. I was floored when she rode a 2 wheeler like a pro only 20 minutes after my neighbor took her training wheels off.

I’m thrilled when Jenai makes eggs for everyone or when she takes it upon herself to bathe Jasmine after she’s had an accident.

So, to all those horrified by the “child led-ishness” of unschooling, those who cringe and ask, “How do you know they know all they should know at this point?!”, I say, I don’t care about the timetable someone else wants to impose on them. I know, they are on the right track and they learn what they should, when they should and more importantly, they retain it because it means something to them. I’m happy in my role as facilitator knowing I couldn’t begin to plan all that has happened so far. I love watching things unfold knowing (from experience) that if I get too involved, I’ll just mess things up.

Unschooling is the way to go for us!